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(The
following is an excerpt from the diary of
James Smith,
written in 1860 when Smith
was 58)
I am weary of myself, ashamed of myself, and
often turn with disgust from myself! And yet I find a
great deal of self-love, self-esteem, and self-pity working
within me! I sometimes get into such a state of confusion, into
such misery and wretchedness, that I cry out, "Oh, what a
wretched man I am! Who will free me from this life that is
dominated by sin and death!" Romans 7:24
I feel that I am too carnal--too much like the
generality of professors. I do not follow the Lord fully. I am
not wholly set apart for God. But I am ashamed of complaining, I
have done so--so often, and it has ended there. I need more
life, more savor, more love in my religion; and to be more
energetic and self-denying in my ministry. I need--alas, what do
I not need? I am only a mere skeleton of a
Christian. I can keep up the outward form pretty
well, but the power--the power is what I need! I want to
be like Jesus. O for a Christ-like spirit, temper, and course of
conduct!
I am obliged to renounce self
entirely--all that I do, all that I
feel, and all that
I say--and build on Jesus Christ, and on Him alone. This is very
mortifying to poor, proud human nature--but so it must be. The creature
must be nothing--that the Savior may be all in all!
How swift-footed is time! Soon, very soon--it will land
me on the shores of eternity! Well, to die will be gain. I shall
then be with Christ--with Christ forever! Then all my trials
will be ended, all my sorrows will cease--and
I shall sin no more! If I could
but live without sin--I would not care how long I lived. Nothing
grieves me like sin--and yet I sin daily. I grieve the loving
heart of Jesus, and wound the tender bosom on which I lean. What
a pleasant thing perfect holiness will be!
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